“Your soul is weak! You live in sin!”
I heard the soapbox preacher say.
“Without the Lord you cannot win!
Call upon your God today!”
Was it, perhaps, some kind of omen?
On life in heaven I set my hopes —
So Catholic Apostolic Roman
Was I (along with all the Popes.)
But I did not feel my spirit grow;
My emotional state was quite unmoved.
If my soul was weak, then I did know
my situation was not improved.
So to increase my spirit’s fitness,
and enhance my godly muscles,
I became Jehovah’s witness
and acolyte of C. T. Russell’s.
But soon I left the Hall forthwith
for now new beliefs were formin’;
I chose to follow Joseph Smith
when I became a saintly Mormon.
But I did not feel exactly right.
So you might ask me “whither wentest?”
I signed right up with Ellen White
as a Seventh-Day Adventist.
I found my soul grow pained and hostile.
Where were the people of the Lamb?
I thought I knew as Pentecostal
as I learned from C. F. Parham.
Yet despite my soul’s athletics
was I really safe from Hell?
I went the route of Ron Hubbard, L.
To me, they seemed but after moolah,
and not of knowledge from on high.
Not like my new main man Baha’u’llah,
when I joined the church Baha’i.
Still not sure I’d found the Way
after this investigatin’,
I learned now from monseiur LaVey
when I joined the Church of Satan.
But then a rainy day, and windy
as I bit into my pita —
I thought, I’ll go and join the Hindi
and read the Bhagavad Gita.
Soon my lofty spirits fell
as each time they seemed to do;
If I became B’nei Israel,
would I find peace now as a Jew?
One day in study, I gazed at lamed
and doubts arose in consternation.
Thus next my prophet was Mohammed
as I joined an Islam Nation.
My life was not yet rid of drama
for faith had not yet changed my mood-a.
But maybe with Siddhartha Gautama
I’d learn some Truth now from the Buddha.
But no nirvana. A tarot reading?
Were there answers in astrology?
Were New Age crystals what I’m needing?
Or Kabbalistic num’rology?
That soon grew stale. Now what was next?
Zoroaster? Wicca? Pagan?
But I came across a better text —
my priest became: yes, Carl Sagan.
No need for spirits, angels, Gods;
no heavenly host or demon alliance.
Spare me the golden rules and rods —
for all Truth is found in Science.
What you see is what you get.
My peace of mind? Ne’er better rested!
Do NOT believe — now don’t forget! —
in what can’t be measured, shown, or tested.
So I don’t mind the anxious looks
the zealots/preachers/nuts are giving.
I don’t need “holy” men or books
for my life to be worth living.