Nutwatch – by Queen of Swords

Hi everyone, and welcome to another issue of the Nutwatch! Spring is in the air, so today’s subject is an appropriately flowery website. One problem with trying to frighten people into Christianity is that the scare tactics can easily slop over into melodrama, and this website shoots itself in the foot when it tries to tackle drug use, alcohol, sex and the inevitable consequence of all these. Grab yourself a drink or a joint – or just grab yourself – because this week’s Nutwatch unravels

Believers’ Web

Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when first we practise to deceive
When we claim atheists soon will grieve, when we trot out “Adam and Steve”,
Or we say women must conceive, ‘cause that’s the Queen’s personal peeve.

Welcome to the Believersweb.org. Our goal is to be a blessing to you by sharing Bible based articles, sermons and sermon outlines, book reviews and other helps for your Christian walk.

We just added a tool

His name is David Wilkerson.

that allows users to list the last documents that have been posted…

Watch this space for updates as to our progress.

Last Update April 28, 2006

I think you’d have a lot more fun watching actual space, if you want to see anything happen. But what makes Believers’ Web so entertaining are the over-the-top articles that do a good job of Nutwatching themselves. One of them is in the Testimony section, though it’s actually a tall tale of drug addiction causing evolutionary regression.

George had been missing for three days.

He’d been picked up by a gang of Romans and their leader, Pontius “P-Dog” Pilate.

It was at a dance that one of his friends put a “joint” of marijuana in his hand and told him to drag on it… The smoke swirled through his head. In five minutes he was dancing like a demon

On a more serious note, the author has confused marijuana with speed. Perhaps he was afraid that if he read about them, he would run out and beg the nearest drug dealer for a fix, just like how teenagers never even dream about fornication until they take sex ed classes.

he forgot his problems – he even forgot about God.

Dancing -> drug use -> atheism -> crime -> Darwinism (that’s coming up, folks)

The next day he wanted to try it again. Big thrill “great kick – really packed a wallop. This time it chased away the blues. That night he was deathly sick – head throbbing, vomiting – he had to have another joint of “grass.”

What, he had a headache and nausea after one joint? Did he use actual grass that was soaked in pesticides? Or did he make a mistake and roll up some Astroturf instead?

This was the first step toward a life of addiction.

He became addicted to headaches and nausea.

[The pusher] pulled out a small cellophane bag containing a fraction of an ounce of pure, white heroin. “Just sniff it up your nose,” he was told.

I imagine that if the author ever tried to sniff anything up his nose, he would need to suspend the Baggie from the end of a ten-foot pole.

“You’ll stay high for two days.”

The pusher could not compete with other pushers selling drugs that had shorter highs. He was soon out of business. He became a televangelist.

When [George] first saw them “drilling” with the needle he was upset. It was his turn – but he chickened out. A friend drilled him. It knocked him out. When he awoke – he sat “goofing” for two hours.

I so don’t want to know what “goofing” is. But I’m guessing that the friend injected him with a sedative, stole the pure heroine, cut it and made a profit on it (since the pusher was out of business).

It was soon costing a lot each day to keep him high. He could no longer borrow as he owed everyone in the neighborhood. He began to work “angles.” He sold all his clothes at the pawn shop.

He had to join a nudist colony, but hey, anything for drugs.

After his first mainline injection, he knew he was hooked for life.

Wow, you the man, George. Most addicts tell themselves that they can stop at any time. This guy faced the facts.

He began to mug, break into apartments, steal, hold up taxi cabs – all for money to get drugs. He lost 30 pounds and was nothing but skin and bones.

Good thing he sold all his clothes then – they would never have fitted him.

At this very moment the police were investigating complaints of a terrible odor coming from the roof top of a tenement house on Prospect Avenue, Bronx, New York. Three officers nearly fainted at the sight.

For years, the tenants had been dumping Chick tracts, copies of The Watchtower and little green bibles in that spot. The pile had grown… and festered… and become sentient.

George was lying on the roof top just left of the stairwell, dead.

That explains the fainting. Cops in New York never see dead people.

He had been dead for three days, he was naked and his body had turned as black as a burnt cork. Most horrifying of all, were the gruesome features of his face. The once handsome face took on the perfect image of an ape.

Man, if only he had taken more drugs. He might have had the face of a small shrew-like creature, or even a primitive fish. The Missing Stink would have been the missing link, all by himself.

It was late that same night when his mother was called to the morgue to identify him. The funeral will long be remembered.

Because the minister referred to him as Koko?

His body was wrapped in asbestos

The drugs turned him into the Human Torch.

with only his face showing. The sealed casket had a glass covered oval cut in the top to enable narcotics agents to view the remains.

Why did they need to view the remains? If he had sold his body for drugs, would they parade the Vice Squad past his coffin?

Young drug addicts were fled past the casket and told, “This is how it ends.” Ladies fainted

They were probably in the NYPD.

– strong men were shaken –

– weak men were stirred –

but the drug addicts were unmoved. Their minds were long since hardened to the truth.

This is a true story. I know the minister who buried him. Teenager – hear this – NOW! At the end of every sensual pleasure is a casket.

Dracula’s coming for you, teenagers! And just like in any good slasher movie, he’ll rise from his casket to kill off the ones who are having sex!

Editor’s Note: This tract was written in the early 1960’s, but the events are as true today as they were back then. Drugs are still shattering homes and lives. Trusting in Jesus is the only way to overcome them.

I was wondering why anyone would assume that what people believed in the 1960’s (pot turns you into a maniac!) is still accurate today. Then I realized that to fundamentalists, what people believed six thousand years ago is still accurate today, as long as those people got their beliefs into the bible. Another testimony is the story of a nameless alcoholic, which is told here.

He didn’t want to be a wallflower. He wanted to sow his wild oats. He got too big for Sunday School.

You are never too big for Sunday School. Even when you’re in your forties or fifties, you’re welcome to squeeze behind a kiddie-sized desk and share some special moments with the little ones.

He listened to an atheistic, evolutionist, college professor educated beyond his intellegence.

Um, editor? Major missed opportunity there. If you had said “educated beyond her intelligence”, you could have killed four unclean birds with one stone, rather than three.

“The Bible? Full of fairy tales. Read Tom Paine instead. Or Robert Ingersoll. Or Eleanor Roosevelt. Or Harry Emerson Fosdick. Or sex books.”

Or all of them. One of the benefits of being non-fundamentalist – you never feel that you can only read the bible and books supporting the bible. You can treat a library as a literary buffet, rather than as an a la carte menu where you only ever get to order one type of dish. And you don’t have to worry that reading the wrong kind of book is the first step on the slippery slope to

Hell

The wicked angels and wicked men are both locked up today in Hell…

This explains why Satan supposedly roams around the world causing trouble.

When the Sinner(One who has not accepted Jesus Christ as Savior & Lord) dies today, he, in his spiritial form, Goes to Hell to remain there until the Second Resurrection when his old body will be raised full of Sin, Disease, and Corruption.

What does the “Disease” part mean? If you die healthy, does God give you an STD to punish you after death?

He will enter that body again and stand in it before the Great White Throne of God. God is the Judge.

Actually, he’s the Prosecutor, the Judge, the Jury and the Executioner. He’s an entire John Grisham collection in one pretty package. But he’s still more active in this article than he is in the next one, where it’s clear that his hands are tied until Christians speak out on his behalf against

X-rated movies

Talk to your pastor, those in your Church, your friends, city officials . . . anyone who will listen . . . and try to arouse them to become concerned about this terrible X-rated movie racket…

I’m sorry. You lost me at “arouse”, when I imagined concerned Christians doing the Dance of the Seven Veils for city officials – all in the name of stopping porn, of course.

Picket the theaters showing these X-rated movies . . . . MAKE YOUR STAND. Let your Church know . . . let your city . . . your community know that YOU are on God’s side

God sounds like Theoden in The Lord of the Rings; he seems to be waiting passively for some mighty Christian warriors to save him and his people. Only when your community knows that YOU are on God’s side will the purveyors of smut tremble. Uncle Sam God needs YOU!

. . and that you want the showing of these filthy, obscene, X-rated sex movies . . . to be STOPPED.

Done, as long as you rip the Song of Solomon out of every bible. The phobia of sex leads to more Freudian slips in the article on prayer, where David Wilkerson writes,

If you have ignored the Holy Spirit’s wooings to draw you to the secret closet for intimacy, then you have taken the first step toward hardness of heart.

Where to start? David Wilkerson supposedly converted hardened (oh good grief, now I’m doing it too) gang members to Christianity. Everything I’ve read from him, though, sounds like preaching to a particularly humorless choir, one which isn’t likely to giggle or even crack a smile when the pastor talks about tender moments in the closet with a woo-fixated Holy Spirit. Just as Believers’ Web hasn’t been updated in two years, the tone of the articles hints at a mindset firmly fixed in the 1960s and uninterested in moving beyond that. Lead us not into education, and protect us from reality, for thine is the bible, the website and the closet, for ever and ever, amen.

Till next time, everyone!

Queen of Swords

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