Nutwatch – by Queen of Swords

Hi everyone, and welcome to another Nutwatch. Make yourself comfortable on the couch and brace for impact, because though fundamentalism has produced some neurotic nuts, I’ve never come across one quite like this before. This website features an obsession with sex, an equally burning fixation on religion and so much self-loathing that anything I have to say seems redundant. Let’s boldly go where even Freud would fear to tread, because this Nutwatch takes on

Internet Evangelism & Teaching

Don’t be fooled by the dry name. The title page features more rainbows than a gay pride parade, and most of the hundreds of pages are in pretty pastels. That’s right, hundreds. The author, Grantley Morris, makes up in quantity what he lacks in quality, and his biography is pretty revealing.

…the more you know me, the more disappointed you are likely to be. Just as any of us look physically repulsive without our skin, so I look repulsive without Christ.

I’m afraid he comes across as repulsive whether with or without Christ. Something about the intense self-denigration, or could it be his inability to support or take care of himself?

Almost five decades later I’m still in the same side of the same city and I’m still with my mother, who waits on me hand and foot.

He stresses several times that he has never married and never had sex, and I can see why. Someone tell Mr Hitchcock that Psycho is now non-fiction. Naturally, Mr Morris is as qualified as the Pope to advise married people on their sex lives, and he proceeds to do so in great detail.

When Marital Relations are a Shortcut to Hell

When God gave marrieds the gift of sex, he was not handing them a toy. He was entrusting them with nitroglycerin that even within marriage must be handled with holy fear.

Since this nitroglycerin was so dangerous, God gave it to everyone on earth and ensured that a desire to use the nitroglycerin would kick in long before people were permitted to legally handle it. You rock, God! But this terror of sex means that Mr Morris doesn’t want anyone (except himself) even thinking about it unless they’re married. The wedding ring is more powerful than Sauron’s One Ring that way – it magically disarms the nuclear warhead that is sex. Needless to say, people who enjoy sex outside of marriage are anathema in Morrisworld, but far more perverted and depraved are the lost souls who engage in

Sexual Self-Stimulation

I’ve read a lot of anti-masturbation screeds before, but no one has ever written so much on the topic as Mr Morris. Or so hysterically. He’s not alone, though; apparently he has a flock of female fans, and they exchange sexual fantasies while beating themselves up for doing so.

Instead of fantasizing about a normal man, she aroused herself while visualizing Christ, thus developing sexual cravings for the Son of God and even fantasizing about having sex with him.

Anyone who’s gone through the Book of Revelations must have read about the Bride of Christ. Well, this is the Girlfriend of Christ. I hope Mr Morris didn’t get too jealous while hearing about her Christurbation.

Another woman, a committed Christian, told of sexual visions of “Jesus.”… In an e-mail yet another woman wrote of demonic attacks she has suffered:

It has paralyzed me, nearly suffocated me, and, worse, has raped me.

Oh dear, I just hope she didn’t get pregnant with the antichrist. Single women impregnated by demons probably don’t qualify for Welfare; maybe they get Hellfare instead. What’s ironic, though, is that even if this unfortunate woman was telling the truth (which opens up a whole ‘nother can of worms), I’d still be far better off as an atheist, considering that I’ve never so much as seen a demon, let alone been sexually assaulted by one. But let’s cut through the ramblings and get to the meat of the matter, the dangers of


I wonder how many marriages are haunted by the ghost of solo-sex. How many people are forced to compete in bed with the elusive highs of their partners’ previous love affair with a vibrator?

I think that in Mr Morris’s fevered imagination, vibrators stand six feet tall, are darkly handsome, have strong arms to open pickle jars and never forget a woman’s birthday. Seriously, feeling inferior to a vibrator is just pathetic, though in his case it’s entirely realistic. I’d much rather have a vibrator than a man who expects his mother to wait on him “hand and foot”, believes he’s repulsive and is terrified of touching himself. You rock, vibrator! I wuv you. And I shall only cheat on you with Mr. Detachable Shower Head.

The tragedy is that if you have masturbated, you have not just had previous sexual experience, you have been sexually spoilt.

Because “you” are as fragile as some people’s grip on reality, such than one below-the-waist touch will ruin “you” forever. I can’t think of anything more unhealthy than this view of sex as a dirty, dangerous thing which can only be cleansed and neutralized by marriage.

Even if you think of yourself as a virgin when you marry, the fact remains that if you have masturbated, your marriage partner will not be the only person with whom you have experienced sexual pleasure.

The same goes for people who are divorced or widowed. Perhaps Internet Evangelism & Teaching would like to promote the Hindu suttee, so that such spoiled, soiled specimens can be properly disposed of?

You will never be able to change this sad fact. The most you could do is decide to never again masturbate.

Misery loves company (but in a platonic hands-off way).

Singles who see no hope of ever marrying might ask, why would God give me the ability to enjoy sexual pleasure just to leave it lying dormant?

God’s strange that way. After all, he gave every fundamentalist a brain.

…we can bless God by giving him all our potential for sexual pleasure. And since the Lord daily gives us our potential for sexual pleasure, singles have the privilege of daily giving him this precious offering…

Is it really such a “precious offering” if no one else wants it? That makes me imagine the author crooning “My preciousssss” over his virginity.

He will be so thrilled with our faithfulness that our reward will be astounding.

God : Here you go, one vibrator! Batteries not included.

Or consider someone who regularly masturbates in front of a mirror. Could this habit have the potential to make same sex genitals such a turn on that homosexuality becomes a temptation?

Actually, this would act as Pavlovian conditioning, such that you could only become aroused by your reflection or your identical twin. Or by mirrors in general. Driving a car could prove hazardous.

Since Scripture is emphatic that the most casual of sexual encounters makes you one with a person, and it is degrading to become sexually one with an animal, just how dehumanizing is it to have sex with a machine, or with an object?

I hope this guy never watches A. I.. Or even Star Trek for that matter. I also wonder if he thinks people are “dehumanized” if they have pacemakers. I mean, those are inside you 24/7, and you might find it difficult to have sex without them.

If it is an abomination to relate sexually with an animal, what about with an animal’s skin or fur or wool? If it is perverted and degrading to have sex with a beast, what about sex with a plant, or a plant product, such as a cotton sheet?

No, no. The sheet with the eyeholes cut out goes over your head, not over your crotch.

We rightly view child sexual abuse as an horrific crime. What if solo-sex makes you the child of God who is abused, and in this crime you are not only the victim but the offender?

And whenever someone masturbates, Mr Morris and the Holy Spirit are screaming, “No, don’t! Please!” Having sex when someone is pleading with you to stop is nonconsensual. Therefore, masturbation = rape!

And doesn’t the bible say that when we sin, we are dead? So whenever someone masturbates, they are having sex with a dead person. Therefore, masturbation = necrophilia!

Man, this is fun. I could go on and on.

Much of the above amazes me. It reads as if written by someone desperate to attack masturbation and yet I am quite unconscious of any such axe to grind.

It reads as if written by someone desperate, all right. I imagined the author gasping and panting his way through the rhetorical questions; masturbation is to him what homosexuality is to Fred Phelps – a raison d’etre, the Joker to his Batman. Since denial of his obsession might not be convincing enough, he bends over backwards to assure married women that they can enjoy sex (with their husbands), in the article titled

How Holy Wives Express Marital Love

L – Laundry!
O – Ovulation!
V – Vacuuming!
I – Ironing!
N – Nappies!
G – Groceries!

A friend of mine saw in her mind’s eye an unclothed baby girl lying on her back. Next to her was a beautiful pink rosebud. God tenderly kissed the baby. My friend felt God was saying by this symbolism that a particular woman’s genitals were as beautiful and perfect as a rosebud.

I don’t quite know where to start with this one. Firstly, if women’s genitals are so beautiful and perfect, why didn’t the friend envision a woman? The message seems to be that adult sexual organs are OK, as long as you don’t imagine or see or (perish the thought) touch them.

And secondly, I wonder where exactly God kissed the baby. If it was an avuncular peck on the cheek, why would the take-home message from that be “genitals are good”? Too bad He didn’t kiss the rosebud instead, but I think even imaginations this fertile quail at what that would symbolize. Genitals are great, but they’re not that great.

It is sadly common for women to feel uncomfortable about their genitals, especially because adult genitals are naturally not as tight and neat as a baby’s.

This is… disturbing, to say the least. Hopefully the author’s many neuroses prevent him from coming into contact with any babies. No, scratch that – anyone at all. I feel sorry for the author, since it’s evident from his reams and reams of writing that he’s desperately lonely, but I don’t think that anyone’s safe near him.

I still ached to be hugged but although this was most unpleasant, the unexpected consequences of losing much of my sexual response made me too wary to risk praying for the removal of my need for touch. As it happened, the craving to be hugged gradually fell away anyhow.

Aw. I guess the mother who waits on him hand and foot isn’t willing to hug him. Sensible woman; she probably slides his meals into his room through a flap in the door. After the interminable sections on sex and its evil solo counterpart, the theological sections of this website are something of a relief, though of course the author’s take on these is as twisted as you might imagine. Here’s a sample.

Is My Baby in Heaven?

…there is something spiritually special about children who have at least one parent who is in union with Christ… Nevertheless, from what we saw earlier, there is still hope for the offspring of non-Christians.

How generous. Perhaps they’ll be permitted into heaven but told to drink at separate water fountains.

Being born into a people group that does not have the gospel is a key factor in people not hearing the gospel.

You’d think that an omnipotent god who wanted to save people from the fires of his own eternal wrath would make sure that every “people group” had the gospel, wouldn’t you?

It is inevitable that children suffer for the sins of their parents…We are tempted to think it unfair that children should suffer because of their parents’ sins, but consider the alternative: had their ancestors been prevented from having children, these people would not merely have not suffered, they would not even exist.

So it’s better for someone to burn in hell forever than not to exist? By this logic, abortion is by far a better thing than birth control, since at least the former gives children a chance to exist. Heck, it does even more than that – it sends them straight to heaven, and another of Mr Morris’s lady friends has a vision of what life is like for them there.

She found that angels were charged with looking after heaven’s children but they lost all control whenever Jesus arrived. The children would go wild with delight, playing with him and enjoying his presence.

I’m not sure how millions of children could play with one man, and the “wild with delight” part makes me think of groupies at a Guns N Roses concert. Maybe the children all throw their haloes at Jesus, and the one who accurately pegs Him gets to keep Him. And play with Him. Forever.

If a street kid married a millionaire, she would get his riches and he would get her debts.

I take it the millionaire won the lottery, since he seems too halfwitted to have earned fifty cents.

Similarly… we hand our depravity to Jesus, relinquishing even our fondest sin. It becomes his. That’s what killed him.

In other words, Jesus was so depraved that God killed him. Well, that’s a new one on me. Too bad He didn’t have someone who was willing to die for His sins; even godhood has its downfalls.

There’s plenty more of this claptrap – a claim that reading romances will turn straight women into lesbians is my favorite – and the entire website is a testimony to what one man can achieve with no job, no friends, no girlfriend, a personal servant (mom) and every neurosis in the DSM-IV. In summary, Internet Evangelism & Teaching is so sad that I can’t even be offended by it, and as for the author, you know the surgical collars that are put on dogs to prevent them biting their stitches? I imagine him having something similar, except that his fits around his waist and prevents him from touching himself. Or sleeping, which explains all the hundreds of pages in this website.

Till next time, everyone!

Queen of Swords


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