Nutwatch – by Queen of Swords

Hi everyone, and welcome to a New Year’s Nutwatch! Today’s subject has a name which would be better suited to a backpack with special pockets for pencils and erasers, but don’t be fooled. In a world filled with demon attacks and nocturnal invasions, this website provides all the weapons and training that Christian soldiers need before marching off to war. It’s Dungeons and Dragons for the devoutly religious, even revealing a secret special language for christians; get ready for the LARPers in the whole armor of god, because the first Nutwatch of 2008 dismantles

The Christian Student Equipper

By “Student” they mean West Point cadet, and by “Equipper”, they mean arsenal. Brace yourself for the shock and awe of battling Satan’s forces, mano a demono, as revealed in the Enemy Encounter Manual on

Spiritual Warfare

“There is an invisible spiritual realm where a battle is taking place beyond our ability to see with our natural eyes.”

I wondered why the author of this webpage needed to spell out what “invisible” meant, but then I realized that it was addressed to fundamentalists. At least they aren’t likely to wonder, as I did, about the point of a battle without a conclusion, achievable goals or casualties, much less why a supposedly omnipotent god needs anyone to fight such a battle on his behalf.

“It is from here where the demonic attacks the lives of both Christians and non-Christians.”

Why would Satan attack non-Christians? Didn’t they sleep in long enough on Sunday? Were they not apathetic enough in not celebrating his birthday?

“The articles you will find here on the Equipper will help you not only to discern demonic influence but to also gain victory in demonic spiritual attack.”

It’s interesting how different sites handle demonic spiritual attack. I’ve read some which relied on “mighty warrior angels” to defend the faithful, but this one gives +1 to Discernment, which makes the demons fail their saving damning throw. No need for angels when the christians are so powerful, though, endowed with all the skills and accessories described in the article on

Discerning

Early Warning System – The Lord can use this gift to even warn you of the presence of cultists who are about to approach you.”

Unprotected Christian : Oh look, there are some nice people in orange robes, with bald heads. They must be chemotherapy patients. Let us comfort them and convert them.
Christian armed with Early Warning System : Hold, brother! My spirit-sense is tingling! I detect the presence of cultists!
Unprotected Christian : Pfft, you said that in church as well.

“There may not be an visible signs to detect if someone approaching you belongs to a cult and aims to deceive you.”

Shaving of the scalp to find the 666 birthmark is not recommended unless the cultist is outnumbered.

“There have been incidences where, 30 feet away for example, the Holy Spirit can forewarn you in order to prepare you.”

The author must imagine christians watching the world from behind a red computer screen, a la the Terminator. Targets: 2. Distance: 30 ft and closing. Cult: Jehovah’s Witness (zoom in on copy of The Watchtower).

“Witnessing – The Holy Spirit can reveal how either a person is bound, influenced, or deceived. This can be a very insightful witnessing aide!”

I see why the author is careful to use the word “can”. No christian has ever approached me to say, “The Holy Spirit has revealed to me that you’re an atheist who was formerly a born-again christian”. Instead, they’ve come to me in all innocence, thinking I’ve never heard of their god or their holy book. They have all been speedily enlightened.

Hmm, maybe the deception isn’t on the non-christians’ part.

“Defense – Often times cultists like preying on young Christians.”

Please, Catholic priests are not cultists.

“The Holy Spirit may allow a Christian to discern the kinds of spirits hovering over the cultists attacking the Christian spiritually as the cultist attacks the Christian verbally.”

“It’s the Spirit of St. Louis and the spirit of Christmas past!” Seriously, though, I’m sure this is supposed to be a fierce battle fought on the spiritual plane as well as the physical plane (with the one being a mirror to the other), but it comes off as a scuffle between two sets of puppets. And the Holy Spirit is the more passive puppetmaster by far. The same theme carries into the next article. Christians are pretty much on their own when it comes to battling the forces of supreme evil, and the help they get from god amounts to damage control at best. No wonder the Christian Student Equipper tries to protect them from the greatest danger of all…

The Thought Process

“You’ve probably felt it before. A “thought dart” suddenly strikes you, as if out of nowhere”

And you take 2d6 damage unless you were wearing the armor of god. Still, it’s good to know that thoughts, for the author of this webpage, apparently come out of nowhere. I can’t imagine living in such fear of one’s own brain.

“with thoughts like, “Why continue being a Christian?” “God doesn’t exist!” “Sex isn’t wrong. If it feels good, do it! After all, she/he wants it too!””

I hope the christian is right about the last sentence, unlikely though this might seem.

“A temptation, a lustful feeling, a sudden silent shout in your mind of destructive thinking. Satan plants a suggestion. Or he even tells you what to think!”

Perish the idea that christians might come up with naughty thoughts all by themselves. Apparently the devil made them do it.

“Satan will tell you to satisfy yourself, give yourself pleasure, recognition.”

By this logic, god will tell you to make yourself miserable, give yourself pain and go unrecognized. This is a religion for masochists.

“So when a flood of thoughts come, just ask God to cleanse your mind… Cut off all sources of sensory input”

Man, even Jesus stopped at the eyes and hands when he was describing body parts that could be amputated.

“that contribute and reinforce and magnify the direction Satan is trying to yank you.”

“Sex? You wanted sex? I’m Chaotic Neutered!” God seems uninvolved in the yanking or wanking, though god isn’t nearly as prominently featured as Satan in these sections of the Christian Student Equipper. Then again, the dark side of the Force is more proactive and powerful by far for these spiritual warriors, so they have to ask questions such as

Can Satan Read My Mind?

“Some Christians are gravely concerned over the idea that Satan can read a person’s thoughts.”

That explains the lack of thoughts. It’s the only way to foil Satan the Psi Cop.

“Does it really matter? There is a tremendous difference between being able to see the future or into people’s minds, or Satan getting some demons to tell you through a fortune teller that a brick will drop on your head, and getting another bunch of demons to make a person perform the action some time in the future! Who knows? Who cares?”

Why can’t Satan just drop something on your head himself? And why does it take a “bunch” of demons (I have learned a new collective noun today) to make a person drop a brick? I also have no idea what Satan is trying to achieve through this complicated scheme – does he want to make his target send money to Madame Cleo, or does he just have a vested interest in inflicting brain damage? Most of all, why am I putting more thought into this than the author ever did? But perhaps that’s a natural consequence of thoughts emanating from one’s brain, instead of randomly dropping out of nowhere. I can see why the author might want to stop this dangerous process via gravity-propelled brick.

At least the final “Who knows? Who cares?” is very appropriate. It’s difficult to be concerned about demons who have to resort to the convoluted psychic equivalent of a Rube Goldberg device. That’s probably why the author describes demon rapists in the article on

Nocturnal invasions

“A “nocturnal invasion” is an attack that comes at night, especially when you’re asleep or in that half-awake state in which you’re between the states of being asleep and being fully aware of what’s going on. During this time, our defenses are naturally low…”

much like our pyjama waistbands.

“Night attacks have ranged from engaging in sexual fantasies and the coinciding physical self-gratification, to fear of an assailant broken into the house, to even demonic visitations where some have seen demons threaten to kill – or even rape – the victim.”

Apparently rape is worse than murder when it’s performed by demons, maybe because the former presents the risk of conceiving a half-demon baby, which of course cannot be aborted. Interesting, though, that the author starts out with a battle that couldn’t be seen through one’s “natural eyes”, but now claims that people have seen demons threaten rape and murder. Perhaps invisible wannabe rapist demons were just not scary enough.

“Some night attacks can feel as distinct as some unseen being sitting on your head and wrapping its legs around, and sinking its hands into your mind to initiate foul dreams.”

This is similar to the sensation of a pigeon sitting on your head, because that initiates fowl dreams.

“Whether you can audibly speak or not, just gather your wits”

Well, that shouldn’t take long at all.

“and stand firm… You may also want to follow up by prayerfully applying the Blood of Jesus over your mind to cleanse you of the incident.”

No one has ever bled as many useful liquids as Jesus has. Wine substitute, dye, detergent, lubricant… but speaking of body fluids, there’s a great line in the article on

Overcoming net sex

“…lift up your hands and worship God, and let tears of love, intimacy and healing flow. It’s beautiful, and let those tears be your sacrifice unto God. God has a special bottle in which He collects all your precious tears.”

I wonder if this bottle has a rubber teat at the top. As well as a special bottle, god also has a special language (baby talk?) that christians can use to communicate with him, and it’s described in the article about

Speaking in tongues

“This is the gift of the Holy Spirit by which you have a personal prayer language which you do not understand yourself, nor do other men understand; however, God understands it fully!”

I could understand praying in Godcode if this confounded the villainous schemes of any demons or cultists who might be listening. But if you yourself don’t understand the language, what’s the point of praying in it? Just to be special?

“Myself, I did not obtain the release to speak in this personal prayer language until five months later.”

It took the author five months to advance to Level 8, when he gained the Mystic Language skill. This was a great disappointment to him, since he was hoping for Berserker Rage.

“I did, however, experience a discerning of spirits and even laughing in the Spirit.”

What’s difference between regular laughing and laughing in the Spirit? Does the latter sound like “Haw Haw”?

“…we need to step out in faith and speak the first word that God drops in our spirit, however crazy it sounds. When we do so in childlike faith, God gives us the next sylable, and the next, until it flows into a mature and complete language.”

Christian with childlike faith : Cthulhu fhtagn.
God : Yesss. Goood. Morrrrre.
Christian with childlike faith : Ph’nglui mglw’nafh Cthulhu R’lyeh! I don’t know what this means, but I’m enfolded in His love, and warmth, and tentacles!

There’s a great deal more nitwittery on this website, but these are the highlights of what must be a very entertaining fantasy lifestyle, from the secret language to the anti-cultist radar (praydar?) to the visits from incubi or succubi. Or both. The Christian Student Equipper’s grip on reality may be none too strong, but that’s part of its goofy charm. The only thing that makes me feel sorry for the author is the fear of sex, though I imagine the hardcore gamer warrior lifestyle goes a long way to protection in this regard. And this way, there’s more time to fight the demons, convert the cultists, gain special skills and write other amusing articles on the process. Win-win, all around.

Till next time, everyone!

Queen of Swords

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